Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
