I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
