More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
