I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
