all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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