Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
