shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I am one with the molecules
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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