yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
