somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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