hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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