I am puke
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
