if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
