We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
