i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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