This girl is more easily done than said...
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
