I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
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