Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
