thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
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