There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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