My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
