The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
