don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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