i just sent this text using only my big toe
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
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