sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
