I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
