Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
