Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
