im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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