omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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