Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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