Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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