I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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