dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
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