I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
