I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
