now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
