i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Randomize
