AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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