I faked an abortion last night.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You're breaking my sexual little heart
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
