i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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