I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
