Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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