Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
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