my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
True strength comes from lack of pants
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize