clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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