she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
