I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
