All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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