i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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