i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
