even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
