sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
