he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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