don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
