I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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