i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
